I have awful body image. I’ll admit it. I think it started in 4th grade. A girl in my class told me by butt was too small to wear the baggy jeans that were in style at the time. 4th grade. I’ve had a complex about my ass and non-existent child bearings hips. When I hit puberty everything went north with a vengeance. SO I was maybe 12/13 and also had huge boobs. oiy.

It really just went downhill from there. I got tall. I currently stand at about 5’10/5’11, so I never looked fat, but I always felt huge. It didn’t really help that my best friend in high school weighed maybe 90 pounds soaking wet. haha. So I struggled with body image right on through high school.

My senior year things started to change. I started feeling a little better about myself, dated a lot and generally started to mature. I was a serial dater and with each kiss and date my self esteem grew better.

Theeeeeeen college started. I was actually not the norm, when I went to college I lost weight! Sure I had my fair share of drinks, but I hated beer so mixed drinks with cheap vodka proved better for me, and I also worked at Ponderosa about 5 nights a week. I would stuff my face there but worked it all off at the same time! It was great.

It was around this time I ran into boy trouble though. the boyfriend I had going into college dating cheated on me, and every relationship after that (right up until Justin, actually) treated me sub-par in some way, shape, or form. I always had some sort of body issues, but I also was surrounded by people who complimented me, dated guys who were great to me. I hit a brick wall with the men I decided to date after high school. All of a sudden I felt like I was in an American Hi-Fi video, and was simply not good enough.

I don’t blame media or models or celebrities for body image. That’s stupid. I know plenty of people in my life who could be models. I work hard to give 100% in any relationship, and in this case I felt like I needed to look better. As good as their ex’s or their crushes, just so they would stay with me. What an idiot! Oiy. When I read old journals from 3-4 years ago I want to go back in time and smack myself around. I’ve changed so much since then.

Unfortunately, however, there has been some lasting damage to my body image. It didn’t help that over the course of the last 2 years I’ve traded in my intense-workout restaurant job for a cushy desk job. That’s what killed me. Desk job.

So I always tell myself I can lose the weight. I won’t tell you what I’m weighing in at now, but I want to lose at least 50 pounds. I’ve started on Alli for the second time. The first time I just wasn’t dedicated. I don’t know if I’m dedicated now, but I have a huge incentive I didn’t have before: wedding. I want to look amazing. I want to order my dress here in two weeks and need it taken in in 6 months. I want to be at a weight where I feel really good about myself. Why is that so hard?

So, my goal. 50 pound by wedding day. I want it badly now, and I think I can do it. Alli I know is going to help tremendously. I hate working out, I really do. I’m not a “gym” person. I love sports and could swim all day, but that’s not really an option. The Alli pill will help my eating habits, and that’s where I’m counting on most of the weight coming from. If you don’t know anything about Alli, check out the website. Basically it makes you stick to a very low fat diet…or else. That’s allllll I’m saying!

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