Wow, it’s really getting cold outside.

I’ve lived in Pennsylvania for about 99.5% of my life, but every year fall sneaks up and takes me by surprise. I blame my parents. They had me while living in sunny California and then moved us to western PA. If it were not for the fact that Justin lived over here on the East coast I would continue to be bitter.

I’m looking forward to starting my workout routine tomorrow, week 1 day 1 of C25K. I downloaded the itouch app and everything for it! I think I may have talked Justin into doing it with me, but the real test is trying to get him out of bed tomorrow. I’ll probably be on my own, unfortunately. I’m thinking of taking some “before” pictures of myself in the mirror in my bathing suit to kind of keep me motivated. It’s hard to keep yourself motivated with something like this, so I’m basically just going to try every trick in the book and see what happens. haha.

Another thing that I would like to accomplish this year is working on my novel some more. November is National Novel Writing Month. I always want to participate in this, but I usually bail a couple weeks in. Maybe I can really turn over a new leaf and get back to work on one of my life long dreams…publishing a book!

I really, really, really need to get back in shape.

I used to be in shape, before I found the love of my life and booze. I got comfortable, I got lazy, and I also got a desk job. Now the wine and beer has gotten the best of me and my love for cooking huge meals for just my husband and myself has taken over. So, I have a dream…

Justin picked out a hot little black dress for me before we started dating, I love it, and it doesn’t fit anymore. I asked him to take me to see RENT on Broadway in Pittsburgh for my birthday (one of my favorite musicals ever) and my goal is to get back into that dress for me and for my hubby.

I also would like to be in good physical shape for whenever we decide to get pregnant. It’s still a long way away, but it’s something I can’t help but think about.

I started taking Xenadrine before meals and have been drinking water like it’s going out of style. My next step is I’m going to start The Couch to 5K. I’ve always wanted to be a runner, but I am so not built like one. I’m hoping this program will help ease me into it. I don’t like the gym and our living room is just too much on the small side to do much exercise. I’m trying to talk my darling husband into starting to run with me, I think it would be a good way to spend time together, and we have some very pretty landscape near our home.

When the weather finally just becomes too awful to run outside I can turn to my college, which I have a membership to the gym because I’m a student.

I have a seriously major goal. I basically wanted to lose 65 lbs. altogether, and that’s a lot of weight. Losing that would mean that I would be back at the weight I was my senior year of high school and in the best shape of my life. I like to think that it isn’t obvious that I’ve gained that much in 4 years, and I’m very, very lucky that I’m tall, I can carry it all! haha.

But there you have it, hopefully I can get this accomplished =)

I have awful body image. I’ll admit it. I think it started in 4th grade. A girl in my class told me by butt was too small to wear the baggy jeans that were in style at the time. 4th grade. I’ve had a complex about my ass and non-existent child bearings hips. When I hit puberty everything went north with a vengeance. SO I was maybe 12/13 and also had huge boobs. oiy.

It really just went downhill from there. I got tall. I currently stand at about 5’10/5’11, so I never looked fat, but I always felt huge. It didn’t really help that my best friend in high school weighed maybe 90 pounds soaking wet. haha. So I struggled with body image right on through high school.

My senior year things started to change. I started feeling a little better about myself, dated a lot and generally started to mature. I was a serial dater and with each kiss and date my self esteem grew better.

Theeeeeeen college started. I was actually not the norm, when I went to college I lost weight! Sure I had my fair share of drinks, but I hated beer so mixed drinks with cheap vodka proved better for me, and I also worked at Ponderosa about 5 nights a week. I would stuff my face there but worked it all off at the same time! It was great.

It was around this time I ran into boy trouble though. the boyfriend I had going into college dating cheated on me, and every relationship after that (right up until Justin, actually) treated me sub-par in some way, shape, or form. I always had some sort of body issues, but I also was surrounded by people who complimented me, dated guys who were great to me. I hit a brick wall with the men I decided to date after high school. All of a sudden I felt like I was in an American Hi-Fi video, and was simply not good enough.

I don’t blame media or models or celebrities for body image. That’s stupid. I know plenty of people in my life who could be models. I work hard to give 100% in any relationship, and in this case I felt like I needed to look better. As good as their ex’s or their crushes, just so they would stay with me. What an idiot! Oiy. When I read old journals from 3-4 years ago I want to go back in time and smack myself around. I’ve changed so much since then.

Unfortunately, however, there has been some lasting damage to my body image. It didn’t help that over the course of the last 2 years I’ve traded in my intense-workout restaurant job for a cushy desk job. That’s what killed me. Desk job.

So I always tell myself I can lose the weight. I won’t tell you what I’m weighing in at now, but I want to lose at least 50 pounds. I’ve started on Alli for the second time. The first time I just wasn’t dedicated. I don’t know if I’m dedicated now, but I have a huge incentive I didn’t have before: wedding. I want to look amazing. I want to order my dress here in two weeks and need it taken in in 6 months. I want to be at a weight where I feel really good about myself. Why is that so hard?

So, my goal. 50 pound by wedding day. I want it badly now, and I think I can do it. Alli I know is going to help tremendously. I hate working out, I really do. I’m not a “gym” person. I love sports and could swim all day, but that’s not really an option. The Alli pill will help my eating habits, and that’s where I’m counting on most of the weight coming from. If you don’t know anything about Alli, check out the website. Basically it makes you stick to a very low fat diet…or else. That’s allllll I’m saying!